Ask the Pastoral Guidance & Motivation Expert
May 2012 Article
Have you ever had someone say something to you that was true, but it was really hard for you to receive it because of the way they said it to you? No doubt you have experienced times when someone said something to you that was not easy to take because of their tone of voice or the manner in which they were communicating. We don’t want to be known as the person who is rude, short with people or inconsiderate. We want to be known as the person who is encouraging, speaks the truth, shares our feelings and yet does it all in the right way and in the right tone of voice.
Our employees, children and spouses could teach us this lesson the best if we would be willing to listen without becoming defensive or justifying everything they say. The other day at baseball practice I said, “Boys, this is why you lose some of the games!” I proceeded to point out what they were doing that was causing them to lose. I’m the kind of person that is always evaluating and considering how I can improve and grow. Therefore, I’ll often ask, “How do you think I handled that?” On the way home from that practice, feeling like I may have been just a little too tough on the boys, I said, “Caleb, how did Dad do at practice tonight?”
He said, “You did great dad, just like always; you are a great coach!”
I said, “Yes, but share just one thing that I can improve on!” Thankfully, my relationship with my son enables him to feel very comfortable in sharing his real feelings. We as Parents, CEO’s, Husbands, Wives and Leaders should work very hard to establish relationships in which people feel safe in confiding in us.
Caleb said, “Well Dad, rather than saying, “This is why you guys lose,” next time say, “Boys, if you do it this way, this is how you will win games rather than lose them!”
Wow! The light bulb went off in my head, and I realized that no matter how skilled I am in communicating, I can still improve those skills by listening to other people. I needed to be reminded of the power of, “HOW YOU SAY IT!” Learn how to start saying things in a much more positive manner and tone of voice, and I expect that you’ll see much more effective results in your communications with the people that you lead or influence.
April 2012 Article
I have a Life Coaching business and work with clients on a daily basis that are Entrepreneurs, Pastors, Dads, Moms, College Students and your everyday people that just want to grow. It’s very common for people to ask me to help them with “Time Management!” I’m always excited to help people with this area of their life because I am very passionate about our TIME! I truly believe that time is more valuable than gold. It’s a gift from God and I believe that each of us must become extremely intentional with making sure that we do not waste time.
One my clients is a married father of two that owns his own business and is the student Pastor of his church. He was struggling to keep his life balanced and couldn’t seem to “get enough done.” After listening to his valid frustrations, I said, “We all have 168 hours a week. It doesn’t matter who you are or where you are from, we all have 24 hours a day.” We then began to break it down and evaluate where he was investing his time. We discovered after looking at all his activities, such as; sleep, work, church, and ministry that he had 37 free hours a week for recreational activities, time with his family and personal time for relaxation, exercise or leisure. He told me that after looking at it like that, he felt like a weight was lifted and that he had control and freedom. Sometimes it’s just a matter of slowing down long enough to make a list of all your activities and evaluate where you are investing your time.
My final piece of advice for this article is “Make sure that you live by a schedule and that you always have clear boundaries of what you will and will not give your time to.” I’ve learned that most people always make time for what is important to them. Live by priority and don’t allow yourself to feel guilty for saying, “No!” The word, “NO” is not an evil word. It’s actually a word that you MUST learn to use if you are going to live a happy, fulfilled and most importantly – balanced life. Your goal is to figure our what you are going to do with the gift of 168 hours each week.
March 2012 Article
I’ve always practiced transparency and honesty almost to a fault. I’ve a very good reason for my authenticity and candor. There was a day in my life where I was very stubborn, arrogant and very defensive, sadly even to the point where my closest friends, family and staff would withhold their opinions or true feelings for fear of me rejecting their feelings. I experienced a great deal of success as a young man and unbeknownst to me, I became filled with pride and ego. I thought I was unstoppable, untouchable and in command of my life, my church and my entire ministry. I was so blinded by the praise and admiration of all my “fans” that I couldn’t even see my own faults. I’ve actually grown to deeply appreciate and crave up front, honest, candid and straight communication. The Bible is right, “Pride goes before a fall…” Ouch!
I could actually write a book titled, “What failure taught me about success.” I could share some mistakes that I’ve made as a leader, pastor, husband and daddy. My greatest mistake is when I ceased to listen to the wisdom, advice and warning flags of those closest to me.
What do you do when you realize that you’ve blown it, made a mess of your life or made some ego driven decisions? First, you take full responsibility for your actions and behavior patterns. I’m always extremely concerned about a person that I can’t step up and admit their wrongs or failures. Second, learn to start listening and valuing the wisdom and caution of those you trust the most in your life. I’m personally very open with those closest to me because I know they will take my failures, flaws and human sins to their grave. I’d like to caution you from getting close to whistle blowers, gossipers and to insecure and jealous people. I’ve carefully selected people that I allow to speak into my life and when they speak, I listen. My favorite three questions to ask those closest to me are:
1. What do I need to keep doing?
2. What do I need to start doing?
3. What do I need to stop doing?
The answer to those three questions will keep you from causing major pain, self-destruction and heartbreak in you and those closest to you.
May God help all of us as we seek to avoid the trap of being offended, defensive or ego driven. Please learn from my personal mistakes and allow those closest to you speak into your life without fear of rejection or distance. Please stay humble enough to admit that you need help, honest communication and even the wisdom of those who may see what we are incapable of seeing. When you have a hunger to be right with God and are willing to ask God for help, you’ll experience blessings and forgiveness because God is always attracted to the humble and honest. He will continue to give you mercy, grace and strength to overcome your weaknesses and eventually you’ll outgrow and defeat your failures and flaws.
Matt Maddix
February 2012 Article
Have you ever said, “It’s just not fair.”? If I had a dollar for every time either I or someone has said, “That’s not fair.”, then I’d be able to retire today. Life isn’t fair and the sooner we come to grips with that, the faster we’ll be able to deal with life’s curveballs. One of the hardest things to deal with is the reality of a major, heartbreaking situation. I lost count of the times that I hung up the phone in disbelief and said, “I can’t believe that just happened.” or “I can’t believe they said that or are going to do that.” Life has many shocking moments. You can almost get to the point that when the phone rings, you get the feeling that it isn’t going to be good news. It could be a death in the family, a friend gets into a car accident, so and so is getting a divorce, someone is pregnant and shouldn’t be, or someone else just filed bankruptcy and lost their house. The list could go on and on about the many mind boggling moments that we have to deal with.
Well my friends, I’d like to introduce you to this thing we call, “Fair.” Fair is just a fairy tale and there isn’t going to be one day of your life when you encounter a fair God, a fair world, or a fair devil. We can’t help the fact that we live in a world of sickness, pain, rejection, disappointment, sorrow, stress, and people. People we love sometimes hurt us. There are times when you raise your kids, only for them to walk down the path you never dreamed they would walk. There are times when your life is going smooth; you just bought your first house, you paid your car off, the kids are graduating college this year, the wedding was beautiful, the baby is healthy, and it’s a very Merry Christmas. Both of your grandparents are alive, your parents are still together, all your siblings are healthy, you have financial freedom, and life appears to be perfect. Those moments are ones we cherish and never want to end; you feel everything flowing and you couldn’t be happier. However, we must embrace for the moments when our “perfect world” gets interrupted by a set back, sickness, car accident, phone call, divorce, heart break, cancer, or how about this, “We have to let you go.” Yes, the job you loved so much, with the perfect benefits, you just lost. Well, I have some good news for you on how to act when life isn’t fair; I received this inspiration while running on the treadmill yesterday. I thought of my grandparents whose beautiful two year old little girl drowned, while they were cooking dinner. I thought of the dad whose entire family was killed in an accident.
I thought of the homeless men in my church that had it all and are now living under a bridge. I thought of my friends who have cancer, and the doctor just told them if they make it through Christmas, they’ll be lucky. I was also thinking of the mother whose daughter just committed suicide. Friends, to the person whose husband just cheated on them or your wife just left you last weekend, I have something to share; life isn’t fair, but God is faithful. You may have your heart broken, you may get sick, you may have a car accident, you may lose a loved one, and you may very well face an infidelity in your marriage. However, God is faithful and while it may hurt to even think about it, God has a plan to bring complete healing, peace, and purpose in your life.
I am 110% persuaded that when we pass the test and we prove to God a right attitude, even when there is loss, pain, rejection, frustration, stress, tragedy, or set backs, that God will give us twice as much as we had before. So in reality, life isn’t fair after all, but if we stay faithful and keep the right attitude, then we’ll come out stronger, sweeter, better, healthier, wiser, and more powerful than ever before.
December 2011 Article
It’s quite amazing to go from an attitude of compassion to an attitude of confidence. However, after this blog, you’ll understand that confidence and compassion go hand in hand. I know countless people who want to show compassion on others but never acquire the confidence to step out and do what their heart beats for. I’m convinced that there are movements that have yet to be started, great churches that have yet to be built, great soul winners that haven’t even won their first soul yet, books that have yet to be written, amazing businesses that have yet to be started, and life changing songs that have yet to be sung. Thankfully, there are those out there who are dreaming and planning on doing something with their life, beyond just paying bills, washing their car, doing their dishes, making their bed, and paying their taxes. Yes, there are revolutionary world changers, who think outside the box and have guts. They are not afraid to fail, try, sweat, or suffer. In fact, it’s people that finally break out with confidence, that have the ability to change the world. It’s those who live with passion, guts, drive, determination, compassion, courage, and that will not accept defeat, setbacks, or failure.
Friends, today I would like to challenge you to get up. That’s right, get up and dust yourself off. Shake off negative thinking and talk. Step up to the plate, accept the challenge, and live your life with confidence. Confident people will say, “What you think about me is none of my business.” If you are waiting for the perfect moment, everyone to like you, and everyone to agree with you, then you are in for a major disappointment. In fact, it will never happen. Do you mind if I step out of the mode of being a motivator and hit you with a truthful reality? Not everyone is going to like you. Others will hurt you, talk about you, tell lies about you, betray you, or even disagree with you. It used to bother me and affect me; I used to lose sleep and fret over people that don’t like me or understand me. Frankly, I’ve reached a place in my life, where I have accepted the fact that I don’t need to fit everyone’s mold or live my life according to everyone’s opinion. Bill Cosby said it best, “If you try to please everybody, you’ll end up pleasing nobody.” Ha! Go for it guys! Wake up and live your life.
In fact, I want you to stop putting yourself down, talking negative, and letting other people’s small thinking put you in box. If you have a dream, a passion or a goal, then go for it. Consider what God said;
Galatians 5:1414 For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; you shall love thy neighbor as yourself.
I am here to set you free and tell you that it’s in order to love yourself. Loving yourself and living with confidence is the key to being the spouse, parent, businessman, Christian, friend, or soul winner that you were destined to be. God is so much bigger, and your life is supposed to be so much better than what you give credit for. God gets no glory by you thinking small and always talking about what you can’t do. I’ve learned, through the life of hard knocks, that loving my own self is the only key that will unlock the door to affective relationships. I am good enough. In fact, I am good, blessed, healthy, wealthy, happy, peaceful, joyful, friendly, smart, good looking, fun, passionate, wise, gentle, kind, compassionate, and confident. Now, those who have a low self evaluation of themselves will take what I just said and think, “Maddix is arrogant and cocky.” The bell just went off didn’t it? It’s not cocky, arrogant, or prideful to have confidence. Ladies and Gentlemen, apply for the job, ask the girl on the date, have the child, buy the house, go to college, teach that Sunday School class, win that soul, lose that weight, get out of debt, throw the party, build that church, and do it with passion! Don’t be so hard on yourself; stop whining, complaining, pouting, and talking about your past mistakes. It’s ok to think good of yourself, love yourself, take care of yourself, and believe in yourself. You were made in God’s image. You are not a failure or a mistake. Your life does matter and count. I freak so many people out with my confidence and they don’t quite understand me yet. Oh well, I’m busy living life and reaching my dreams. I’m busy loving my boy, building my church, writing my books, fulfilling my passion, and impacting people who want a better life. If you don’t like me, agree with me, or understand me, it’s ok, because I’ve got the confidence to rise above my critics and their opinions. Love you guys and want you to know that I fully believe in you.
November 2011 Article
How to have a Really Good Conversation
Picked up Caleb from Baseball Camp today and asked him the typical, “How did it go bubba?” Of course his answer was, “Awesome! I had fun, Dad!”
I’ve learned through the years to be a really good conversationalist, and you bet that I’m going to be really good at having quality conversations with my son Caleb. I’d like to share a few key things about my talk with him today.
Too many people ask boring questions, and that is why some people are hard to connect with. I think every husband and wife will want to thank me after this, because I do believe that using what I’m going to share will help immensely in marriage. It will work in all relationships: ministry, business, soul winning, sales, friendships, or in any setting where communication and connection are necessary. Rather than asking the typical boring questions, learn to ask interesting questions that will generate interesting conversation and help you connect, learn more about the other person, and show them that you are truly interested in what they are saying. Here are the questions that I used on Caleb today that led to an hour long conversation and made him feel like 10 million dollars because his Daddy showed extreme interest in his thoughts and feelings.
1. How was baseball camp today?
2. Tell me one thing Coach said that you liked?
3. Tell me one thing you learned?
4. Who were the 3 most positive kids out there today?
5. How did it make you feel to get Camper of the day?
6. Why do you think you got picked?
7. Who were the 3 most negative kids or who had the worst attitude?
8. Did you have enough to drink?
9. How did you like the lunch I packed?
10. You’d rather have Pizza?
11. What did most of the other kids eat?
12. What kind of pizza?
13. What position did you play?
14. Name the 3 best players out there?
15. You think you were the best? LOL
16. On a scale of 1-10 how would you grade the over all camp?
17. What made you give it a 9?
18. It wasn’t long enough? LOL
19. So was the girl that picked on you as you walked by pretty?
20. Did you get her name?
That conversation led to so many other things, and it got him into the flow. He was talking my ear off after that!
You need to be stop being so dull with your family and friends when you are talking to them. You don’t even want to get my started with the 100’s of “Would You Rather” questions that I have made up. You ask anyone that knows me, and they’ll tell you that I’m the “master question asker.” It’s also the reason why I am able to truly connect so well with people. However, you must also be a really good listener. Not one time in that hour conversation did I check my phone, text, email, or Facebook. The key to really showing someone that you are listening is to, (1) Make really good eye contact, (2) Be alert to key things they say that could lead to other questions, and (3) Repeat back to them what they shared with you. Ok, go!
September 2011 Article
“My Time with Caleb”
My time with Caleb is sacred to me. Many times when I travel, people will ask me to stay over for a day and “hang out;” my answer is always the same: “I’d really enjoy that, but I need to get home to that little boy.” I’m very intentional about my role as a father in his life and refuse to allow anything or anyone in my life to sidetrack me from my responsibility of being a daddy. Caleb will be 18 years old in 3,042 days! Yes, I do keep a good count of how many days until he turns 18 I’m not going to attend his 18th Birthday party and be full of regrets. I fully plan on being very intentional about my decisions and actions to ensure that my relationship with that little boy is regret-free. Take into consideration that I split my time with him 50/50 with his mother, and I also travel on a weekly basis. Even with that schedule, I’ve got my travel schedule arranged to make sure that I am rarely ever away from him longer than 3 nights straight.
His mom dropped him off at 5:30 yesterday, and I turned off my cell phone- and kept it off-for over 20 hours so I could give him my full energy and attention. It’s not always easy to do this because I have a very busy schedule – I operate three major ministries and businesses that require about 12 hours a day from me. However, I’ll get up at 4:00 am and work until wee hours of the morning if I have to so that I can spend that extra quality time with him. I am not perfect and have lots of improvements to make as a daddy, but I’ve made up my mind that he is going to know by my actions that he is the top priority in my life. It’s easy to “talk” about priorities, but it’s much more challenging to live them on a day-to-day basis. I wish every preacher would take an honest evaluation of a statement we often make but rarely live: my priorities are (1) God, (2) Family, and (3) Church Remember, my friends, to prioritize your life in such a way that you will have QUALITY time with your kids. You’ll never get those moments, days, years, or memories back. They are only our kids once, and they grow up faster than you can imagine. God bless you!
If you have any questions, please email maddix@theexperts.ca.
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